The Peel

Your official mouthpiece of the Cult of Ripe zine-style mix of mysterious messages from our High Priestess of Potassium, Madame Banana herself.
Ripe news. Rotten truths. Cosmic fruit forecasts.

Each monthly update includes:

✨ Prophecies and questionable wisdom from Ask Madame Banana

🌙 Banana-aligned Horoscopes

🌀 Your official Ripe Ritual directive

🎨 Behind-the-art peeks from the studio

🍌 Member sightings, secret symbols, and anything else that oozes weirdness

Read it. Revere it. Roll it up and swat a fruit fly with it.
Stay ripe, stay weird, and check back monthly — or whenever the fruit tells you. It’s all about evolving here.

FAPs
(Frequently Asked Peelings)

You’ve got questions. We’ve got the peels.
This is your pun-heavy, occasionally helpful resource for understanding the Cult of Ripe.

  • Q: Is the Cult of Ripe a real cult?
    A: Define “real.” We don’t have a compound or matching robes (yet), but we do send monthly sacred relics and offer deeply confusing horoscopes. So……. yes. Spiritually speaking.

    Q: How do I join the Cult of Ripe?
    A: Select your tier. Commit to the fruit. Receive the relic. The rest will be revealed over time (via snail mail and occasional divine absurdity).

    Q: Do I get a banana name when I join?
    A: Absolutely. Every ripe soul is assigned a secret banana name. Use it wisely. Or ironically.

    Q: What’s the Ripe Ritual card about?
    A: It’s your monthly spiritual side quest. Follow the instructions. Or don’t. The banana sees all either way.

    Q: Can I become a banana priestess?
    A: No. But you can start with Tier 2. The prophecy unfolds in layers.

  • Q: What comes in the monthly Print Club mailing?
    A: A sacred banana-themed art print, direct from the Oracle’s studio. Sometimes with a bonus sticker, incantation, or unidentified banana symbol.

    Q: Will I get the same print if I’m in a different tier?
    A: Yes, the main art print is shared across all tiers.

    Q: Can I switch tiers?
    A: Absolutely. You’re not trapped. You’re merely... evolving. Update anytime through your account or by yelling “I TRANSFORM” into the void. (Email is faster.)

    Q: Can I cancel anytime?
    A: Yup. We’ll miss your aura, but your mailbox will be banana-free until you return. We don’t ghost, and you shouldn’t either.

    Q: Can I gift a membership?
    A: Absolutely. It’s the same way you signed up, just use their info instead. Gifting is the purest form of cult recruitment.

  • Q: Are these prints signed?
    A: Sure are!

    Q: Can I frame them?
    A: Oh yes. They love being framed. Bonus points if you create a banana altar.

    Q: Are these original artworks or reproductions?
    A: Each one is a professionally printed reproduction of an original banana piece — printed on lustre giclée paper to retain rich color and cult power.

    Q: Can I buy past relics (prints)?
    A: Only if you're deemed worthy—or if they go up in the shop later. Some relics are exclusive to the faithful.

  • Q: When do I receive my monthly relic?
    A: Prints are sent out before the 5th of every month via snail mail (USPS). If it's late, consult Madame Banana or shake a tree.

    Q: Where’s my stuff?
    A: If it's been more than 2 weeks since your relic was due, contact us or send a psychic ping.

    Q: Do you ship internationally?
    A: No, not at this time. But its in the works. Email me and let me know you’re really REALLY wanna join.

    Q: I need to update my address!
    A: Contact us ASAP. If your relic ends up in the wrong hands, we can’t guarantee what prophecies it will unleash.

    Q: What if my print arrives damaged?
    A: Snap a pic and send it our way. We'll mail a fresh relic. Accidents happen. We don’t shame bruises, but we do replace them.

  • Q: Can I submit a question to Madame B?
    A: Of course. She thrives on existential dread and odd relationship questions. Just go to the Ask Madame B page and whisper your truth into the form.

    Q: Are the horoscopes... real?
    A: Realer than your last situationship. But also not real. Interpret that however you want.

  • Q: I still have questions.
    A: Reach out via our this form or leave a banana under your pillow. (The first one is more reliable.)

Ask Madame Banana

Whisper your woes to the overripe oracle. She sees what you cannot… unless you squint.”

Life’s complicated. Love is slippery. Your boss is a cantaloupe in disguise. Luckily, Madame Banana is here to guide you through the mush.

Think of her as your emotionally unstable fruit therapist. Equal parts wise, dramatic, and mildly fermented. She peers into the void and responds with comical clarity and suspicious confidence.

🍌 Please Note:

  • This advice is entirely satirical. DO NOT base life decisions on
    banana-based metaphors.

  • Your secret is our secret, never spilling a peel. Not for fame, not for money, not even for a truckload of ripe bananas and a Netflix deal.

  • All questions are submitted anonymously and may be answered publicly on this page or in the newsletter.

  • Madame B cannot respond to everyone directly (she’s very busy channeling fruit spirits), but she reads every word.

    If your drama is juicy, tragic, or poetically mushy — she just might peel into it.

  • Q: “Do I actually have bad luck, or am I just chronically making weird choices?”
    —Perpetually Baffled

    A: Dearest Baffled,
    Sweetheart. Let’s just say the universe may occasionally trip you, but you’re the one walking around in roller skates on gravel.

    This isn’t bad luck—it’s a pattern.
    And the pattern is: you see the red flags, you wave back, and then you text them “U up?”

    Listen, I’m not judging. (Okay, I am, but with affection.)
    We all make a few questionable choices—some people get bangs, others download Tinder during a lunar eclipse.

    But here’s the thing:
    Bad luck is when a bird poops on you twice in one day.
    Chronic chaos is when you see the storm coming and decide to have a picnic anyway.

    So next time you're about to “follow your gut,” ask yourself:
    Is this intuition… or indigestion from last night’s decision-making?

    With gentle side-eye and a protective amulet,
    🍌 Madame B

    ———————————————-

    Q: "Madame B, how do I know if I’m in a fruitless job?"
    —Peeling in Place

    A: That question carries the weight of something that’s been sitting out too long.

    If your work never ripens into joy…
    and if you find yourself slowly disintegrating under fluorescent lights while smiling through yet another mandatory meeting,
    then darling, no, you are not working.
    You are wilting.

    A job should not just pay your bills—it should at least occasionally spark something that reminds you you're alive.
    And if it doesn’t?
    That’s not a career.
    It’s a warning sign dressed in office casual.

    The moment you start questioning it is the moment you’ve already outgrown it.

    With love and a dramatic exit plan,
    🍌 Madame B

    —————————————-

    Q: "My plants are thriving but my social life is dead. Is this balance?"
    —Rooted and Reclusive

    A: Dearest Rooted -
    If thriving houseplants were a substitute for human connection, I’d be married to a fiddle leaf fig by now.

    Sure, your monstera loves you. But has it ever texted you back? Has it ever said, “You’re not crazy, they were being weird”? No. Because it’s a plant. A gorgeous, emotionally unavailable plant.

    This might be balance.
    Or it might be you avoiding people because they’re messier than your watering schedule.

    I get it. People flake. Plants don’t. But while your social life’s on life support, your aloe’s planning a coup.

    Here’s your homework:
    Say something to someone without leaves. Just one person. If they don’t suck, say something again next week. If they do suck, congratulations—you still have your ferns.

    With sass and soil,
    🍌 Madame B

    —————————————-

    Q: “My therapist said I need boundaries, but I think I need snacks and a nap. Who’s right?”
    —Crumb-Coated and Confused

    A: Oh honey Crumb,
    You are both right. But only one of you is billing by the hour.

    Let’s be honest: most of life’s catastrophes can be traced back to someone being underfed, overtired, or letting Chad borrow emotional access he did not earn.

    You can’t build boundaries when your blood sugar is crashing. That’s just setting up a velvet rope and immediately passing out behind it.

    So here’s the real truth:
    You need a granola bar. You need a nap. Then you need to stop replying to texts that drain your soul.

    Boundaries and snacks are not mutually exclusive. In fact, a well-fed, well-rested person is terrifyingly effective at saying “No thank you” with a smile and a locked door.

    Eat first. Nap second. Block third.

    With clarity and crackers,
    🍌 Madame B


Ripe Ritual

Each month Madame B offers a playful, slightly absurd spiritual practice to help you slow down, pay attention, and reframe the ordinary.
These rituals are not serious, but they are sincere. They’re creative prompts disguised as divine acts, designed to nourish your weird and give your overthinking brain a soft place to land.

It’s not about doing it right—it’s about doing it with intention, humor, and maybe a little side-eye

  • August:
    Take one photo this month of something completely ridiculous, mundane, or overlooked - like your laundry pile, a squashed fruit, a crumpled receipt. Capture it like it’s sacred. Frame it. Light it well. Whisper secrets to it if needed.

    Post it with zero context or title to your socials. Or print and hang it on your frig.
    Let people wonder. Let them feel.
    Then move on like nothing happened.

Banana Horoscopes

Fruit-aligned fate from the High Priestess of Potassium.

Each month, Madame Banana consults the bruises, the stars, and a questionable amount of intuition to deliver her ripened revelations for every sign in the banana zodiac.

Whether you're a Dream Peel or a Bruiser, these forecasts will help guide your vibe, your snacks, and possibly your destiny. Read responsibly. Interpret loosely. Blame Mercury if it doesn’t land.

  • Bold. Impulsive. Easily overripe.
    You barrel forward with the energy of a banana cannonball. You're not afraid to bruise a few feelings (or yourself) on the way to glory.
    You don't wait to ripen. You declare yourself ready.

    💫 August 2025 Forecast:
    Take action, but don’t forget to stretch first. Premature peeling can be... ummmm messy.

  • Stable. Sensual. Banana of luxury.
    You crave soft pillows, soft jazz, and perfectly ripe fruit. Your peel is thick, but your core is gooey.
    You don’t rush. You marinate in the moment.

    💫 August 2025 Forecast:
    Treat yourself. Again. But maybe don’t try to justify it with a third banana-themed candle.

  • Clever. Chatty. Easily distracted.
    You’re the fruit with two minds—both brilliant and wildly chaotic. You're already in three group chats and writing a zine.
    Your thoughts peel off in all directions.

    💫 August 2025 Forecast:
    Finish the thing. You know the one. (No, not that one. The other one.)

  • Emotional. Intuitive. Banana in a blanket.
    Your heart is the softest part of your fruit. You nurture others… but also cry when someone looks at you weird.
    Your shell is tender, but your spirit is whole.

    💫 August 2025 Forecast:
    Create space for stillness. Let others come to you - preferably bearing snacks.

  • Dramatic. Loyal. Flashy fruit energy.
    You don’t just walk into a room—you grand entrance it, preferably with glitter and a faint smell of banana liqueur.
    You were born to be admired (and lightly spritzed).

    💫 August 2025 Forecast:
    It’s your season, baby. Let the light hit your best side. (All sides are your best side.)

  • Organized. Observant. Banana with a clipboard.
    You alphabetize your fruit bowl and judge the squish level with alarming accuracy.
    Your world is peeled to perfection.

    💫 August 2025 Forecast:
    The details matter, but perfection isn’t always ripe. Embrace the banana bruise.

  • Charming. Indecisive. Banana in a mirror maze.
    You want everyone to be happy, even the unripened ones. You float on a banana-scented breeze of grace.
    You tilt, but never topple.

    💫 August 2025 Forecast:
    Choose the thing that thrills, not the one that keeps the peace. Shake the tree.

  • Adventurous. Blunt. Banana with a passport.
    You bounce from one banana stand to the next, chasing existential truths and free Wi-Fi.
    You send one text and disappear for three weeks.

    💫 August 2025 Forecast:
    New journeys are calling — but don’t forget to write home (or at least post something cryptic on Instagram).

  • Determined. Ambitious. Banana CEO.
    You run the banana empire. You’ve probably got a spreadsheet for this site.
    You don’t slip. You schedule your falls.

    💫 August 2025 Forecast:
    Delegate something. You don’t have to hold the whole bunch alone.

  • Original. Detached. Banana inventor.
    You’re probably already creating banana NFTs in your sleep. You’re brilliant and baffling.
    Everyone’s confused, but intrigued.

    💫 August 2025 Forecast:
    You’re onto something big. Just don’t overthink it until it rots.

  • Emotional. Dreamy. Banana in a bubble bath.
    You feel it all — even for bananas you’ve never met. Your tears are composted into art.
    You are ripe with feelings.

    💫 August 2025 Forecast:
    Dream big, then make one piece of that dream real. Start with the part that scares you.

  • Intense. Mysterious. Banana noir.
    You peel slowly. Deeply. With eye contact.
    Dangerous fruit. Bruised, but beautiful.

    💫 August 2025 Forecast:
    The truth is ripening. Dig deep, but don’t eat the whole bunch alone.